Fen Lath: Protector From My Inner Demons
by AnimeXGamerGirl16
Summary: When struggles became too much, Hawke only has one way out of trouble. But could the appearance of a familiar elf be enough to change her mind? Rated M for suggestions of Suicide


**I do not Own Bioware or The Dragon age Series. Please don't hate, this is my first dragon age fanfic**

It seemed nothing I ever did went right. Ever since I came to Kirkwall, every choice I've made has come back to bite me in the ass so hard, I've practically given up trying. I still kept my old journal next to my nightstand, a log of every adventure and how it ended, so that if something went wrong, I could learn from it, just as my father had suggested. Yet it had brought me nothing but pain when I flipped through the pages of my failure. In an attempt to try and do right and prevent a young boy from ending up a struggling mage with only minor teachings, like me, I sent him to the circle, but have forever split up a loving family. In trying to save the lives of running mages, and prevent deaths from both sides, I ordered apostates from Starkhaven to live in the Gallows, knowing the horrid fate that even if a circle or any mage prison let apostates live, that they'd be treated as monsters. A family living in poverty because of a group of blood mages I couldn't stop, and unable to help them move out of it, now having that family wait 10 years. Being unable to help a young man be branded by the Templars and having to tell his best friend to kill him for the better. Loosing not one, but two people to a murderous bastard that has slipped my grasp both times. Loosing my brother to the Warden's and knowing I might never see him again. The fate of a good templar friend of mine falling to some murderous hands, and so close to his retiring date. And perhaps the hardest hit was the fact that this night…I lost my mother. Perhaps if I was quicker, or if I observed her a bit more to see those white flowers, maybe I could've saved her. It was all too much, I just couldn't take it, the pain of my failure, of every single thing I ended up doing ending up hurting someone else more then if I has just left it alone. I was sick of doing wrong. There was nothing I could do except one thing, the biggest sin in the eyes of the maker. And yet, I didn't care anymore, loosing my mother was the last straw.

I opened the drawer and looked at my special defense dagger that I could grab, should I not be able to get to my staff right away. Looking at the blade in my hand, I could see it was made from a dragon's tooth, the sharpness at the tip was evident. It was a dagger used for plunging into someone's flesh, not for a simple cut across. It would be perfect. Looking at one of the sashes holding a curtain of my bed back, I undid the fabric and held it in my hand for a moment, before wrapping it around my neck, not yet tightening it. Taking the tip of the dagger, I drew it across both of my wrists, watching as the flesh following after the dagger would split wide open, leaking a rather decent amount of blood one would get from a cut.I looked at the blood flowing, feeling the sting of the cut and feeling the warm sticky liquid drip down my arms, staying my robe. I begun to tighten the sash around my neck, knowing veins were popping out and beginning to turn purple, as were my lips. I took the dagger, turning it to my chest, ripping the fabric as I slowly let the weapon do what it was meant to. I wanted to make sure it was slow so I could feel the pain of every last person I hurt. I closed my eyes as I felt the tip of the blade dig in between the valley of my breasts, just piercing some of the skin when I heard a familiar voice.

"Hawke!" The voice said in the rough, yet worried voice that she had rarely heard.

All of a sudden, my hand stopped moving, as did the danger, and I felt the vein like tattoo's and the spiked gauntlet holding my hand tightly, refusing to budge and inch to let me continue my actions. it was a firm grip one that I knew all to well as a spiked digit cut the sash squeezing my neck, allowing me to breathe once more.

"Let go Fenris, I'm doing what is right." I told him, refusing to open my eyes

"There is nothing right in this Hawke, Nothing." He scolded, his voice picking up in the anger we all were familiar with

"Oh no? I've let down so many people Fenris, so many people have lost their lives because of me, when all I was trying to do was make things better! I can't take this anymore, so I'm providing justice for all those lives by taking my own." I told him, my voice cracking, trying not to let tears escape

"Ashkost Kata*? Hawke, you're insane!"

"Why would you want to defend me? I'm a Bas Saarabas*, remember, a len'alas lath'din! And you hate me because of it. So let me do you a favor as well, let me end myself!" I cried out, using my knowledge of both Qunlat and Elven

"Parshaara Tayte!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, intimidating me as always. It was the one way he'd get me listen if I was ranting. "Look at me." I refused. His hand went under my chin to tilt my head up to his. "Look at me Tayte Amell Hawke!" He commanded in a harsher tone, making my open my ocean blue eyes, a light mist covering them. I saw his face get softer as he stared straight into my soul "Now listen to me. everything that's happened here isn't your fault. Asit tal-eb, there's nothing you can do to change it."

My hands were shaking as what he said nestled with everything else. The wetness I had been fighting rolled it's way down onto my cheeks as my hands shook, making the hole slightly bigger.

"I-I can't take it Fenris…" I whispered as my voice shook

"I know Tayte." He coaxed, his voice now soft

"I-I just…I-I can't…"

"I know Kadan*" He told me yet again

Hearing that, and everything that had happened just finally came crashing down. I took the dagger and there it across the room falling to my knees, sobbing loudly, my biggest blow finally hitting me like a dragon's tail. "I want my mother back!"

"Shhhh, I know Tayte, I know." He told me while kneeling on the floor and holding me close to him, rubbing my back and allowing me to let it all out. And I did, for at least an hour. It hurt, everything hurt, and Fenris being here when I needed him…it helped.

He picked me up with little effort, as he had done before, and placed me on the bed. Taking my robe off, leaving me in my small clothes, his tattoo's glowed, both his hands tightening against the cuts on my wrists, using my need of lyrium and his supply of it to heal me. Then he moved his hand to the valley of my breasts, closing the wound and taking away the pain. After he finished, he attempted to close my robe, but I refused to let him do so. I nudged his armor, wanting him to take the chest piece off. Easily getting my hint, he did so, throwing it on the floor beside him, allowing me to see those beautiful winding tattoo's across his arms, chest and abs. Laying in the bed beside me, he let me cuddle to his body, my head resting on his chest, hearing his rapid heart beat slow down as his panic for my life finally calmed. I looked up at those beautiful green eyes and somehow, through all of my sadness, I was able to form a smile

"Thank you…for being here Fenris. Would you mind staying with me the whole night…I-I…I don't want to be left alone again."

His fingers ran through my hair, and only then did I realize that his gauntlets had gone too. "Someone needs to keep an eye on those inner demons of yours." He smiled

"Thank you, my big strong wolf." I told him as I slowly started drifting to sleep, all my energy now being wasted

It was a moment before sighed, but a smile still on his face "Festis bei umo canavarum*, Tayte."

"But you'll still love me, to the bitter end." I replied

"Yes, now and forever…I love you Tayte."

And with the protection of my Fenris, I soon fell asleep, no dreams of how I wrong things, but for once, things I had done right. One of them, was helping Fenris, and saving his life.

Dictionary:

Ashkost Kata- You are Seeking Death

Bas Saarabas- Dangerous Mage In Qunari

Len'alas lath'din- A dirt child no one loves.

Parshara- Enough

Asit tal-eb- It is to be

Kadan-Where the heart lies/person one loves

Festis bei umo canavarum- You will be the death of me


End file.
